EPISODE 2: Colbie meets Miley
Colbie Caillat and Miley Cyrus’ management decide the two should do a duet. They arrange for them to meet at a diner to discuss it. Colbie Caillat arrives early, with a song in her heart. She sits down. A bird flies through the window and lands on her shoulder. She thinks ‘This is swell’. Then her thoughts drift to just how nice springtime is. 45 minutes later the doors of the diner are shoved open so hard they knock an old person into the wall and unconsciousness. “Which of you dumb dick dildos is Colbie Caillat?!” screamed Miley Cyrus as she walked through the double doors, full-on unclothed. “It’s me ma’am” said Colbie as she turned to look at Miley. “Holy Moly!” said Colbie as she looked at Miley, whose naked body stunk of booze. “I’m sorry to use the language of a sea-weary sailor, but I’ve never seen a nude before. I wear a wet suit in the shower, and I NEVER look down” said Colbie. ”I don’t know where my goddamn clothes are. I swear I was wearing SOME clothes yesterday” said Miley. “So, my manager, whom I trust and love with all my soul, thinks we should do a duet” said Colbie. “High as fuck” said Miley. “The price of the soy milk” asked Colbie. “No motherfucker, me on drugs” said Miley. “What do you want to sing about. I wrote a song about how fresh morning dew is nice and-“ said Colbie. “I want to sing a song ‘bout damn fuckin’!” Miley Cyrus screamed at the top of her lungs as she snorted molly. “-good” Colbie finished her sentence. “Damn good!” Miley referred to the molly. “Gosh, my first argument” said Colbie. “For the video, we gotta do something people will talk about, something controversial. Have you seen my videos?” asked Miley. “I’ve seen one twice, once on TV and once in my nightmares” said Colbie Caillat, the physical manifestation of cuddling. “How ‘bout we lez out?” asked Miley. “Sure” said Colbie. “I love Leza Minelli” she said. “Colbie, I love the taste of more than just penises, how ‘bout I lick your twat?” said Miley. “My twat?” asked Colbie. “Yep” said Miley. “Yep twat?” asked Colbie. “Yep, your goddamn twat!” said Miley. “How would I know twat you want to lick? Are you from Minnesota, is that why you say twat instead of what? Also, twat’s a penis?” asked Colbie out of genuine curiosity. “Let me spell it out for you, how ‘bout we scissors?” said Miley. “Here you go” Colbie said as she handed Miley actual scissors. Miley looked at the round ends. “Safety first” Colbie said excitedly. “You’re not getting me, I want to dive into your muff” said Miley. “Go ahead” said Colbie. “It’s whole wheat” she said. “God-fucking-damnit, I want to munch your carpet!” said Miley. “That’s what my little puppy does every time I spill whole wheat muff crumbs next to the bed” said Colbie. “Look, look, look, what are you willing to do physically with me?!” said Miley. “I’m willing to go full-eskimo kiss and giggle” said Colbie. “I’m willing to giggle while you piss on my face” said Miley. “How ‘bout another round of soy milk? On me” said Colbie. “How ‘bout I stick my fingers in your butt?” said Miley. Colbie wondered if it was bad to wish that instead of being here talking to Miley, she was at Grand Snuggle Station (her house) hugging a puppy.