I went shopping this weekend. At Big Lots. You can see where this is going. The past few years, I’ve stood up for traditional Halloween values. In a world that seems lost in Halloween decadence, much like Charlie Brown’s Christmas, forgetting the spirit of the season. Whenever Big Lots or Rite-Aid or, of course, Motherf*cking-*ss Walgreens has a product in their aisle that I consider not up to my goddamn standards of Halloween excellence, then you know I’m going to diss you on the internet, because my momma did NOT teach me better than that. Consider me the Better Business Bureau ‘Bout Bunk Bullsh*t, all Halloween like. Big Lots sells a ‘Lace Bat Lampshade Topper’. In the movie “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” they have lampshades made out of human skin, but I’m sure you could get a TERRORfying paper cut if you ran your finger across the ‘Lace Bat Lampshade Topper’. Wal-Mart has a skeleton that when you push it’s button, it plays the Banjo. AAAGHH!!! HELP ME!!! AAAAGGHH!!! Folksy. They also have a werewolf dressed as Psy and you press the button and it sings ‘Gangnam Style’. No, you are not reading an old post. It’s October 20th, 2014. ‘Gangnam Style’ is no longer in style. Psy’s new song ‘Hangover’ feat. Snoop Doggy Dogg (Doggpound) is. Psy is not a werewolf. An Asian werewolf wouldn’t be that hairy either. Have you ever seen an Asian with a full beard? Back to Big Lots. They have a glitter pumpkin. A shiny, BRIGHT GREEN pumpkin covered in glitter. This Halloween I think I’m going to go pumpkin smashing - in the aisle of Big Lots! Webster’s Dictionary defines Halloween as a holiday that is supposed to like celebrate axe murderers and shit and ain’t got a damn thing to do with Disco King Patrick Hernandez and/or Studio 54.